Dear Aloaye

Quiet, bruised, grateful....the year that was.

Dear Aloaye,

When you are ten, you’ll have a misplaced sense of geography, so you will assume the Moon follows you at night. You will form the habit of ducking from windows and hiding and running from room to room in an ultimately futile attempt to hide from the Moon. When you look out the window, the Moon will be there, regardless.

This year, a moon followed me. Every win, every high, every low was overshadowed by that moon.

The last time I wrote to you, I closed out with two quotes. One was “You wan gatekeep who sabi jump fence?” When I wrote that line, I had no idea how many leaps this new year would require. It is a small miracle that the year is finally coming to an end without me becoming a kangaroo.

If I said the truth, the first leap didn’t happen this year. Shortly before the turn of the year, I made a decision which led to sleepless nights and me being submerged over and over in a whirlpool of spiralling thoughts. I can count on one hand the number of times I slept properly in January. I remember waking up multiple times at 3 A.M whispering “I can’t believe xyz ended.” It was hard to understand, even harder to believe it.

That decision was the moon that followed me for the greater part of the year.

At some point in life, you’ll hear someone say “actions have consequences”, you’ll understand it but you’ll have no idea how much that string of words will cut through the tapestry of your life. This was a year of actions and consequences.

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I also ended the last annual review with an Ayrton Senna quote, O medo me fascina. Fear fascinates me. This year I left a job I really really liked. A decision that sent a tingle down my spine and caused people to ask questions. Are you sure you know what you are doing? Why not wait? You know you don’t have to quit; you can just stay and figure things out? While I had already asked myself those questions multiple times, I didn’t have the answers because I was too busy falling through the air and hoping I landed on my feet, which I did. As you will come to learn, it is easier to take leaps of faith when you know God will catch you.

In those months, I felt like Harry Potter in The Deathly Hallows when he goes into the Forbidden Forest and gently whispers “I am about to die”. Of course, I am exaggerating slightly. But that move could easily have ended in career seppuku.

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Everyone has a number. An age to retire. A number of children to have. An amount of money that represents financial security and retirement. This year was one of my numbers. This was the year I was supposed to get married. But I didn’t. And that’s life.

I have a large community. Friends, ex-colleagues, acquaintances, and everything in between. These last few years, I have seen friends become husbands, wives, parents. And I love their wins.

If the last few years have taught me something, it is that when it is all said and done, silence, like the Moon at dawn, will descend and ask you a few questions. At the end of the day, community is great, and while I am largely fine on my own, nothing beats having your own person.

I haven’t always done the best job of retaining my own person. Maybe if I tried harder, was more tolerant. Sometimes, it has felt like missing a jump shot in a crucial game. To come so far and yet fall short hurts like hell. I should have done more. I could have done better.

There have been wins that have left me stringing the Drake line “What’s a star when its most important fan is missing,” through my fingers like the beads of a rosary.

If I had a genie, I would wish for fewer work hours, more emotional rigor, and my own person. I wish I approached relationships with more flexibility and less “seriousness”. I have come to be tagged a workaholic, which is largely true but my commitment to work is because deliverables can be a shield from emotional battles. Work is a lot like a crutch for me. My work hours go up when I am having a personal downtime. It is easy to work into the night and send “warm regards” when your personal life is in flames.

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My goodness, the holidays have such a curious way of mixing gratitude with introspection. I feel fulfilled, without mincing words, I can say I won this year. At the same time, I also like Christ’s tomb on the third day. Empty.

When it’s all said and done, I am grateful for the year that was. Grateful for the wins. I started a charity this year and gave away about five hundred books; we are doing more next year. I showed up for my people. I grew. My birthday messages almost made me tear up. I am in a great place mentally. I even have videos of myself dancing and pictures of myself smiling.

As the Sun sets on the old year and the Moon sails through the skies for the last time. I have one thing to say. Onye kwe, chi ya ekwe. When a man says yes, his chi says yes. Here’s to more dawns, answered prayers, and efforts that become results.

We go again next year. Happy New Year, Aloaye.

You.