The People vs. Aloaye
Exhibit A: Unread messages. Exhibit B: Good intentions.
Lately, I have been apologising a lot. For not being present, for not replying to messages on time, for not paying attention to what is supposedly important, for being human.
I am caught between apologising and saying “the best thing a man can do is the only thing he can do” because while it does feel like I am trying my best, that effort isn’t enough. There are only so many times you can heartily respond to “How’s your day going?” or “What’s up?” before saying “From minute to minute” or listing objects which defy gravity.
Recently, my day started with me receiving an earful from an acquaintance who stopped short of calling me an inattentive imp. The same day ended with a voice note from another acquaintance calling me kind and thoughtful for something I did on a whim. Talk about two extremes.
If you asked me, I would say my life has been filled with Gethsemane moments; moments in which I am burdened with differing opinions while living with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
In these moments, my life feels like the crowded Garden of Gethsemane. In the darkness of Gethsemane, I am many things to many people. Brother, son, friend, villain, funny guy, quiet guy, Christian, neighbour, a very one kain person. Each one of those has its assumptions and apron-strings. In the middle of all these, in the darkness of Gethsemane, there’s someone saying “Did I just hear muah” and another person staring into the darkness and wondering “wetin really dey sup between this guy and Mary Magdalene?”
Long story, there are people who believe, for good reason too, that I don’t put enough “heart” into our relationships and they are right. There are others who believe, for good reasons as well, that I’m not a terrible person. Maybe they are right too.
When it’s all said and done, it feels like I am on trial and giving my version of events to a jury of my peers while standing in a dock fashioned from trees I planted, nurtured, and felled.
If there’s one charge, I would stand trial and be found guilty of, it would be for my WhatsApp becoming a graveyard of unfinished conversations. And that’s because I genuinely cannot keep up with the flurry of messages that require replies.
My case is simple: more people, more expectations, more “problems”. As grateful as I am to have the “blessing” of knowing so many people, there are only so many conversations I can be present in and these days I don’t even want to be in any conversations. I don’t even talk to myself anymore.
In my experience, people are more roses in need of constant watering than sturdy cactuses. And on a lot of days, there are only so many calls and texts I can enthusiastically reply with blistered hands and a distracted mind. These days, I just wan dey abeg...
Stay. There’s more.
Between the first word of this newsletter and this one, I watched this video. In it, people between the ages of 5 and 75 answer the question “What do you regret?” That is such a burning question. Their answers are a mixed bag of responses- Words left unsaid, actions left undone, risks not taken- some of which I can relate to.
Recently, in the middle of a conversation, a friend mentioned the age I turn this year and as the seconds after that conversation have become weeks, I have felt the heftiness of the age I’ll turn in November. While my regrets change from day to day and I have learnt not to dwell too much on them, lately my regret has been that one age-shaped elephant in the room. Usually, I tend not to ponder on regrets because you can only do so much and hindsight comes with 20:20 vision and no time machine. But that one has stopped me in my tracks…
This is the part where you are expecting me to disclose the regret. I’m tempted to say it here, but I’ll add it to the growing list of things I’ve left unsaid. All I can say is that I should have done more.
Let this travel
When it’s all said and done, I like to think that for everything left unsaid, every risk not taken, an opposite exists. And I think the scales should balance out. And if I should stand trial for the way I have navigated relationships recently, I know I should have been more present, put in more effort but as it stands today, I’m a bit exhausted so I’ll roll the dice and live with whatever the verdict is because today, I just wan dey abeg...
Photo by Athena Sandrini
Read. Feel. Return.
Your recent posts have this tone. You want to do more, but can't and then feel bad that you can't. I will say that you should not beat yourself up about it.
As adults we have our priorities. Do not apologise for the priority you have, and don't allow anyone make you feel bad for it. Frankly, I struggle to even communicate with other people in my own home after work, not to talk about people that aren't physically present.
You are a nice person who is wonderful to talk to, a genuine soul who is smart and kind. There aren't a lot of people like that in this world, so once people meet you they want to be friends with you and stay in communication with you. For you, this is a blessing and a curse.
The sad truth is that you too are overwhelmed. Like any young person in Nigeria, you are beset by worries and stress. You have a taxing job and other things to deal with. This post even alludes to your regrets.
I'd end by saying that "those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind". Don't bother too much, just do your best and leave the rest.
I pray that God grants you peace, and all your heart's intentions. Amen.
Big Dan, no be only you dey this "I just wan dey abeg" ship.
These days, I feel much I'm watching myself drift through life like one not interested in living the life. Mind you, I am appreciative of the gift of life but with many downs and fails, I feel like 'what's the need to try again?'.
I find closure in this writing. It tells me that I'm not alone in the uneventful season I seem to be treading on.
Yet, I believe what we need is to be available for ourselves and do the best we can.
Again, it's always good to hear from you.